I used to feel really removed from this day. Not because I didn’t care, but really because I had a lack of connection. I think mostly because when today became TODAY, I was young and naïve and not fully developed in my understanding of humanity, and also because I felt I was far far away from what was going on.
I was 14 when the two hijacked planes flew into the World Trade Center towers. Sitting in a junior high classroom, some 1500 miles away from New York City in a Colorado suburb. I remember not really having class… because all we did was sit in school and watch the terror unfold on the television. I sat across from a boy named Johnny, who was one of those redneck extremist kids. He also held the locker right next to mine and I am convinced to this day that I was the only girl in the school he was actually nice to because of that fact. I recall him telling jokes about planning to sit on his rooftop after school and shoot at airplanes with his shot gun. Naturally, I half way smirked the way I do when I’m not amused by the joke itself but the ridiculous thoughts being articulated, and then of course visualizing those thoughts.
Everyone deals with things differently, I had thought. Although, if I remember correctly, that even despite the horrific events of the day everyone seemed to just be glad to not doing homework or tests or project. The indecisive feeling I had that day is also something I remember. It was the feeling of being scared, knowing that things were going to be different but not understanding why or to what extent. I was sad for all the people who were dead and obviously going to die. Not realizing how many people were actually going die years and years after this one event.But even still… I felt a disconnect. Tomorrow was another day, despite the news.
Over the years, an interest would re spark and I would find myself staying up late into morning hours, pouring over 9/11 literature and videos and pictures. So many recounts, so many personal stories, so many “facts”, so many disputed evidence for and against. Slowly I began to form an opinion, and a position on the situation. Even in doing so, I still lacked an emotional connection and my opinions were just based on logic, common sense and what seemed realistic.
It wasn’t until my very first trip to New York, on my very first night walking around Manhattan, was I really able to connect to 9/11. I was visiting friends and as my suggestion, we went into the city to get something to eat. I happened to be there on the weekend of the 10th anniversary of 9/11. And while this was an afterthought when booking my tickets, I also felt it was ironic. The spotlights in place of the two buildings that are pointed out into the sky and eternity were blaring. While walking, I tried to imagine what it would have been like to be walking on that street that I was walking on, ten years prior.
I imagined people panicked and scared. Crying and hurt. Confused beyond any confusion anyone could ever comprehend. Staring at those lights in the sky, smelling the smells of the city and being in the moment, I finally understood. I finally had made a connection that had been lacking for nine years and my heart broke. “ Regardless,” I thought “of what I think the cause was, people died. And People are still dying” These streets are littered not just with the plaguing trash problem that most New Yorkers know and are used to, they are littered with innocent people’s blood, their energies, their lingering memories. I then realized the saddest part of all of this is the fact that it essentially doesn’t really matter.
The words “never forget” are really thought provoking. Never forget what? Never forget that human lives were lost for no good reason. Never forget that human lives are STILL being lost for no apparent good reason, under the guise of safety and freedom. Never forget that day when we all suddenly began to feel scared and unsafe. Never forget the compromises to our freedoms so rightfully earned we so eagerly made. Never forget that we decided not to remember to think for ourselves and work together. Never forget that we decided not to remember that we signed ourselves over to politicians and corporations in exchange for preserving the “american dream”. Never forget that the “american dream” used to mean something and soon all it will be is a front for the most extreme tyranny.
being a parent means that you don’t always get to make choices based solely on your own happiness. and by “don’t always” i mean, most of the time.
sometimes i forget.
and there’s not guilt, like parenting guilt. sourpatch kid anyone?
I’ve heard a noticeable amount of people state the phrase ” Life is hard” in the last week.
I’m pretty sure we’ve all said it, i know i have. at one point or another. but i actually thought about that statement LITERALLY today. Life IS hard. everything about living is hard.
physically we have to run, walk, work,dance etc&etc; even resting, if done wrong, can be hard on the body.
mentally we are hard on ourselves even just through conversation, let alone the shit we watch on tv, see in real life, read.. whatever whatever.
spiritually, we are hard on each other.
i think everything about the human being is frail…. except the ego.
hole in my heart.
sometimes i confuse “obsession” and “unconditional love”.
I’m sorry, but i think i may have fallen in love with you.